Appeasing the Heathen Gods
by Snoodle
Summary: A collection of drabbles, each a crossover, concerning the coins in the chest and how they were returned. Shakespeare, Cheers, Stardust, Lemony Snicket, Dogma, Good Omens, and the Kalevala. All in good fun.
1. False Dice

**False Dice**  
  
Beatrice laughed and tossed her red hair.  
  
"A pretty token, signior," she said as she toyed with the coin in her hand.  
  
"It is from the Americas," Benedick said smugly. "I won it from a pirate rogue in Perugia."  
  
"With false dice, I have no doubt," Beatrice said.  
  
Benedick smiled. "Aye, sweet Beatrice, yet kiss me for it anyway."  
  
"That I will, signior, with a good will indeed."  
  
She awoke the next morning to find the token gone from beneath her pillow.  
  
"If you had need of it," she told Benedick angrily, "you should merely have asked."  
  
Benedick stared uncomprehendingly.


	2. Thief Or Pirate

**Thief or Pirate**   
  
"I must have my purse, Sebastian," Antonio pleaded. "At least--there is a coin I must have, just one--I can describe it--"  
  
"Come on, you seadog," the officer said gruffly.  
  
Viola visited Antonio in prison. "How can I help you?" she asked.  
  
"They will come," was all Antonio would say. "For Sebastian's sake, I hope he has spent it."  
  
When they did come, Viola was ready. She had stolen it from Sebastian's purse, and lain with it clutched in her palm every night.  
  
The pirate came through her window.  
  
"Set Antonio free, and you shall have it," Viola said.


	3. When The Wind Is Southerly

**When the Wind Is Southerly**   
  
King Hamlet told his son to keep the amulet safe. It would ward off misfortune, he said.   
  
King Hamlet was dead, and in his writings the prince found its true origins. He carried it with him wherever he went -- it was one of the few mementos of his father that remained untainted by Claudius.  
  
Hamlet knew why the pirates attacked his ship, as he and his schoolfriends travelled to England. He had seen more terrifying things than the undead captain and ghostly crew.   
  
"I give it to you freely," he said, "if I may sail with you where you go."


	4. Put Money In Thy Purse

**Put Money In Thy Purse**  
  
Roderigo gave Iago much gold, in hopes of winning Desdemona; so the ancient did not give the Moorish piece much thought. He put it in his chest with the others.  
  
When the Venetian fleet sailed to Cyprus, it seemed that pirates were drawn to them. Othello's men fought them off valiantly, but two made their way into Iago's cabin, and to the chest over which he slept.  
  
The ancient was hiding in the blankets, and leapt out with dagger drawn. He dropped it when he saw the two men in moonlight.  
  
"Have you come to take me home?" he asked in a steady voice.


	5. Unearned Luck

**Unearned Luck**  
  
The cabin boy babbled of fairies laughing and singing, and a puckish sprite that flew through the air and kept the coin from him.  
  
"An exchange they wanted," he said. "The fay queen demanded one kiss before she'd give up the gold."  
  
"Aye, and did you dance the night with John Barleycorn as well?" they laughed.  
  
But he was insistent in his story, and knew it to be true. For besides the coin he had regained, all the gold Titania gave him had disappeared when he touched it to iron. All save the coin, and the faint glimmer on his lips.


	6. Unpleafant Furprife

**Unpleafant Furprife**  
  
One copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter did sell. The man at the bookstore wasn't surprised. Well, he was surprised that anyone would pick up a copy of the Nice and Accurate Prophecies, but everyone knows that sailors are superstitious.   
  
The clerk, an honest boy by the name of David Young, passed the sailor's payment on to Goody Nutter.   
  
"It'f the gold ye'll be wanting now, it if," Agnes said when the sailor returned. "Take it and go, and remember to keep your bootf infide your cabin at night, elfe you may get an Unpleafant Furprife."  
  
Twigg forgot the spinster's warning until the day he put on his boots and found that a prankster had dropped a chocolate pasty inside. One perfectly good pair of striped stockings: ruined.


	7. Hey, It Killed The Cat

**Hey, It Killed The Cat**  
  
"Whatcha got there?" Bartleby asked, peering at Loki's left hand.  
  
"Cursed gold," Loki replied. "Got it off a girl who got it off a pirate."  
  
"Give it back," Bartleby said, annoyed.  
  
"What? No," Loki said. "I like it. It reminds me of our better work."  
  
Bartleby rolled his eyes and sighed exaggeratedly. "Do you really think that we can get back into Heaven if we're cursed? Sort of a conflict of interest there, you think?"  
  
"This whole thing is a conflict of interest," Loki said. "And besides, we're not cursed. Just it. And maybe the pirates--the girl wasn't too clear on that."  
  
"Give it back," Bartleby said firmly.  
  
"Fine," Loki sighed. He snapped his fingers, and the coin was gone.


	8. A Very Unfortunate Drabble

**A Very Unfortunate Drabble**  
  
If you like drabbles that are quirky and fun, with clever crossovers and witty puns, you would be better off reading some other drabble. This drabble is not particularly clever nor particularly witty; in fact, at forty percent of the wordcount and rising, it is probably boring you out of your mind. If you are still reading, I wish you the best of luck and hope that you do not spontaneously decide to throw yourself off a bridge after finishing this drabble -- not in the least because such an undertaking is often not as easy as it looks.  
  
"Mother and Father must have left us this," Klaus said, showing the coin to Violet.  
  
"Is it a clue about V.F.D.?" Violet asked, searching the coin for any such.  
  
"Actually," Klaus said, recalling a picture he had seen in a book once, "I think it's cursed."  
  
"Gack," said Sunny.


	9. The Lay of the Pirate Rascal Tim

**The Lay of the Pirate Rascal Tim**  
  
A year after they met, Tristran and Yvaine found themselves in the seaport of Scaithe's Ebb. They stopped into the Ocean's Roar for food and ale (and in Yvaine's case, the pretense thereof). After three mugs, Tristran shakily stood on the table as Yvaine emitted peals of laughter and the rest of the tavern shouted encouragement. "Sing the Lay of the Pirate Rascal Tim," Yvaine cried, and thumped her mug on the table.  
  
"O the Pirate Tim was a rascal, true,  
O'er the ocean clear and the ocean blue  
Three-and-twenty years of old  
And he stole the coin of gold!"  
  
"Three-and-twenty years of old  
And he stole the coin of gold!"  
  
"O, when the cursed gold he took  
(for Pirate Tim was a dirty crook)  
He threw it back into the chest  
And there it lay with all the rest."  
  
"He threw it back into the chest  
And there it lay with all the rest!"  
  
"Now when you think of piracy  
Remember Tim, who sailed the sea  
Don't pillage without checking first  
Whether or not the gold is cursed!"  
  
"Don't pillage without checking first  
Whether or not the gold is cursed!"  
  
Tristran clambered down to thunderous applause and catcalls, and plunked back down beside Yvaine.


	10. Silence is Golden

**Silence Is Golden**  
  
"It's an interesting thing, cursed pirate gold," Cliff continued. "Not much you can do once you have one of those, no siree."  
  
"Cliffie, the closest you've ever gotten to pirates is the time you saw 'Hook' with your mother," Norm said.  
  
"Oh, no, my friend, you are mistaken," Cliff said. "The Clavins were notorious pirates back in the day. We, ah, raided the ports, pillaged and plundered...had our way with the women, eh, eh?"  
  
"Too bad the women didn't have their way with you," Carla interjected, "else you wouldn't be sitting here right now and we wouldn't have to listen to you yap."


	11. Better Than A Pot of Gold

**Better Than A Pot of Gold**  
  
"Now give me the gold, lass, and no one gets hurt," Ragetti pleaded.  
  
The Maid of the North sat on her rainbow and laughed. "No one will be hurt until my mother returns," she said, "and Louhi's wrath is terrible. She does not suffer idiots."  
  
"She will suffer us!" Pintel proclaimed boldly, ignoring Ragetti's hissings.   
  
The Maid laughed again. "Why should I suffer you, either?" she queried.  
  
"Because we beg you to," Ragetti said, and was surprised to find himself on his knees.   
  
The Maid looked surprised--and amused, but then she always looked amused. "Very well," she said. "I acquiese." She dropped the coin down from where she sat on her rainbow.  
  
"Acquiese?" Ragetti murmured.  
  
"We'll ask the captain," Pintel decided.  
  
They heard peals of laughter ringing behind them as they left the Maid of the North, sitting on her rainbow.


End file.
